Snape's Worst Nightmare
April Fools
By Draco664
"Detention, Weasley."
Heidi blinked in surprise, and looking up from her potion and around the quiet, dank dungeon classroom to see which of her cousins had managed to get another detention. Her confused gaze settled on the oily professor, who was staring straight at her.
Heidi blinked again, her mouth opening in surprise. She hadn't done anything wrong! She hadn't even made any noise! Her potion was coming along perfectly. Why was Snape looking at her? Wordlessly, she pointed to herself.
"Yes, Weasley. You," sneered Snape, his white teeth almost glittering in the low light. "Tonight, at seven. If you are late, I'll give you another."
Turning away from the astonished girl, Snape twisted his shoulders to make his dark cloak swirl dramatically around behind him. Brianna had previously pointed out to the others in the class how he deliberately made such movements to appear more dramatic. Now, when Snape performed such a move, soft groans could be heard from some of the first-years, while hushed exclaimations of victory came from others.
It had been Arthur's idea to create a ficticious book, just before Snape almost caught them manipulating Ignates and his friends. At the time it had served its purpose in distracting Slytherin's head of house, but it had taken Chris and James to turn it into a true money making venture. What had started off as an attempted distraction, soon became a fixture, one that had quickly spread from the first year Gryffindor students to the other years, and finally to the other houses.
Chris Weasley smirked to himself, and suriptitiously pulled out a small notebook from his robes. With subtle hand guestures, he signaled the various winners and losers around the room.
One Slytherin student hissed in jubilation, having made five galleons. Snape's head whipped round fast enough that the creaking of the vertebrae in his neck could clearly be heard. Those who had just lost money had an easier time schooling their faces into expressions of innocence than those who had just been enriched.
"Detention, Potter," he snarled at Remus and Sirius.
"Which of us, sir?" asked Remus respectfully.
"Both of you," spat Snape, who continued to march up to the head of the class.
The two Potters exchanged confused and outraged glances. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, dispelling his anger. Sirius however, let his face flush red with rage. It was only James' quick shaking of his head that convinced Sirius to hold his tongue.
After an eternity, the bell rang, and the first year students silently started packing up their cauldrons and supplies. As soon as they left the room, still firmly under the gaze of Snape, the students started babbling about the unfairness of it all.
"Something's going on," muttered Zachary. "I was watching Snape trying to goad a reaction out of Heidi, and she was just working quietly, completely oblivious to him. She did nothing wrong at all, and he gave her a detention."
"You know, that makes most of us with detentions tonight," said Brianna, stroking her chin. "I got one this morning from Madam Hooch," she admitted.
Isabella raised one perfect eyebrow. "For what?"
Brianna blushed crimson. "I accidentally went higher than I expected, and squealed. She gave me it for disturbing the other students."
Most of the others chuckled at this. Brianna was so like her mother in attitude, apptitude and skills that most of the teachers thought Hermione had been cloned. This not only extended from her bookish tendencies but also to her complete and utter lack of anything resembling grace on a broom. It was only her father's temper and lack of respect for ill-thought rules that hinted at her Weasley blood.
Charlie frowned. "I didn't hear you at all, and I was in the closest group. How could she think that you were disturbing us?"
Arthur shook his head. "It's obvious. She didn't. But for some reason, the teachers are giving us detentions. I got one from Flitwick of all people."
"You know," said James, "I'd say that all of should go to McGonagall. Tell her what is going on."
"I'm not so sure," replied William. "She gave me one for running in the corridors. And 'Bella already got one from Snape earlier. Does any one of us not have a detention tonight?"
"Apparently not," grumbled Alex after looking around the faces of his fellow cousins. "I got my detention in muggle studies."
Remus snorted. "Yeah, but you were supposed to bring in an example of a way that muggles 'diseminate information'."
"They spread news in magazines!" hissed Alex.
Remus smirked. "Yeah, but that particular magazine isn't generally purchased for the articles."
Of the three curious female cousins, only Heidi needed another clue before turning bright red and whacking Alex on the arm.
"Look, let's just all go and see professor McGonagall now that classes have finished for the day, and see what she says," said Brianna.
Some of them grumbled, some looked unconvinced, but in the end the Nightmare Dozen decided to visit their head of house.
"Enter!" came the clipped tones of the deputy headmistress after James knocked on her door.
The heavy iron bound oaken door silently swung open, and the twelve cousins entered the room. McGonagall did not appear surprised to see them.
"What can I do for you, Messers Potter and Weasley?" she asked.
James swallowed. "Um, Professor, this week some of us have been singled out by some of the professors for unwarrented detentions. We were wondering if you wouldn't mind finding out why?"
McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you are being singled out?" she asked pointedly.
Heidi nodded. "I got a detention from professor Snape today for absolutely nothing."
Brianna nodded too. "I got one for a small squeal of fright when I went higher than I expected to on my broom."
McGonagall pursed her lips together, giving them all a stern look. "Have you come here just to make accusations against my colleagues of unfairness?" she demanded of them.
"Well..." began James.
"Silence!" snapped McGonagall. All twelve jumped slightly at the professor's unexpected outburst. "You will all do your detentions without complaints, or I shall give you all another."
Arthur and Chris exchanged looks, a frown forming on their features. "We didn't say that we all had detentions," offered Christopher.
McGonagall a sudden look of apprehension and annoyance flitted across her face, but she recovered quickly. "Get out. All of you. I don't want to hear another word about unfair detentions, from any of you," she snapped.
Silently, the berated students left her office. Heidi looked close to tears.
"What is going on?" she asked, her voice thick.
Arthur shook his head. "I don't know. But McGonagall already knew that we all had detentions. How? Snape only gave Sirius and Remmie theirs a few minutes ago."
"Unless she is in on the reason we are getting them," offered Chris gloomily.
Brianna looked furious at her cousin. "How dare you suggest that?" she snarled. "Professor McGonagall has always been even handed, no matter what house a student is in."
"Unless you are in Gryffindor," pointed out Zachary. "She expects more from us."
Brianna suddenly looked defeated. "Mum always told me that the professors could be trusted," she said, frustration hissing from her words. "What can we do if they have been charmed or something?"
"Should we go to Dumbledore?" asked Heidi.
The normally silent Charlie shook his head. "I got my detention from him."
Eleven pairs of disbelieving eyes focused on their enourmous relative.
Isabella grabbed her brother's hand. "Dumbledore gave you a detention? For what?"
Charlie swallowed nervously. "At breakfast, in the Great Hall. When I arrived I pushed open the door, and knocked over some students on the other side."
"He gave you detention for that?" blurted Alex. "I saw it! That was an accident! That's just wrong!"
Charlie shook his head. "No, the students I knocked over were all going to hex me. Dumbledore stepped in and gave me a detention. I thought at the time it was to stop the others from attacking me. Now, I'm not so sure."
James snorted. "I don't think Dad ever got a detention from Dumbledore. You should be proud."
Remus looked at his brother, a smile forming. "Dad!" he shouted. "Has anyone got one from him?"
Eleven shaking heads was his answer.
"Let's go!" Remus continued. "If anyone knows what is going on, he will."
~~~
Harry sighed at the timid knock at his door. "Come in Remus," he said.
There was a slight pause before the door opened, and twelve astonished faces could be seen in the massive doorway.
"How did you know it was me?" his son asked, confusion clearly evident on his face.
Harry remained silent and just beckoned them into his warm office, quickly transfiguring some firewood into comfortable chairs to allow all of his many visitors to sit.
Once the three raven and nine red heads were seated, Harry sat behind his messy desk, clasped his hands together and leaned forward. "I presume this is not a social visit."
Chris cleared his throat. "Um, Professor, can we talk to you as Uncle Harry?"
Harry raised one eyebrow, but nodded. He leaned back in his oversized armchair and put his feet on his desk. With a grin that reminded every one of the Weasleys present of the triplets in their midst, Harry clasped his hands behind his head. "So, exactly what brings you here?" he asked them.
"Dad, I- er, we think there might be something wrong with the other Professors," said James.
Harry faintly smiled. "Ah, I was wondering when you lot would come to me."
Sirius and Arthur exchanged vaguely outraged expressions. "What do you mean?" Sirius demanded.
Harry lost his smile and sighed deeply. "Let me guess," he started, scratching lightly at the side of his neck while staring at the ceiling. "For some reason, your Professors have changed. They seem to be very unforgiving at the moment, giving you detentions for every little thing." He lowered his gaze and looked back down at them. "Or in the case of your Potions Professor, for no reason at all."
Harry looked around at the sea of blankly surprised faces.
"Well?" he said at the silence. "How did I do so far?"
Arthur finally shook his head to clear it. "You know? Is there something wrong with them?"
Harry's face coloured. "Only their judgment," he muttered darkly. "Tell me what has happened."
Bit by bit, their story came out. Each cousin interruped the other in an effort to be the most affronted at receiving a detention, Alex losing dramatically.
Harry listened, absently writing on the top sheet of a sheaf of parchment. His expression spoke of his complete disinterest in their plight until what happened in McGonagall's office came to light.
"She what?" he spat, interrupting Heidi.
Heidi jumped at her uncle's sudden outburst. "Um, she said that we had to serve the detentions or she'd give us another one."
Harry stared at his neice, his emerald eyes flashing fire. With one smooth and graceful movement, he whipped his feet off the desk, spun in his chair and tossed a pinch of powder in the fire behind him.
"Minerva, I need to speak with you. Immediately," he growled.
A few seconds later, the deputy headmistriss' head appeared in the flames. "Yes, Harry?"
"Your presence is required. In my office. Now," he said in a monotone.
McGonagall blinked, and the Nightmare Dozen silently gasped in disbelief at Harry's attitude.
"I beg your pardon, Potter?" McGonagall demanded.
"You heard me," said Harry, his voice soft but holding an unmistakable hint of steel. With those parting words, he turned away from the fire. He smiled widely at his assembled sons, neices and nephews. "Now, ladies and gentlemen. Listen, and learn." With that, he schooled his features into an expressionless mask.
The Potter triplets knew that look well. "Brace yourselves," they whispered to their cousins.
Less than sixty seconds later, Harry's office door burst open. Framed in the doorway was the furious form of Professor McGonagall. "Potter, you had better have a damned good reason-"
Harry slammed his fist down on his desk, the loud sharp noise interrupting her mid-tirade. "I thought it best to ensure that there was a reason you had abandoned your duty to your charges before going to Albus and demanding that someone else be given the resposibility of leading Gryffindor!" Harry roared.
The thought that she had been derelict in her duty brought McGonagall up short. "I beg your pardon? When have I ever abandoned my duty?"
Harry snarled. "The day you refused to give a straight answer to members of your house who both requested and deserved it."
McGonagall looked around the room, noting the presence of Harry's rather extended family. "Well-"
"Perhaps you believe that Gryffindor doesn't need a head of house? Hmmmm? That any Gryffindor student who believes that something is wrong with the people in authority should just ignore it, and not bring it to the attention of their head of house?"
"Now that is simply untrue!"
"Then perhaps you'd like to explain why, when a gross disservice is done to some of your students, that you immediately dismiss their concerns, even when you know for a fact that they are not imagining the reported behaviour?"
McGonagall swallowed. "Now, Harry, you know exactly what is going on."
"Really? All I see as a parent is your blatant evasion of responsibility. Would the other parents of Gryffindor students like to know that if their children are treated unfairly, that the head of Gryffindor will completely ignore it? Or worse, claims that it is the student's fault? Perhaps you believe that only students in the other houses are entitled to faculty representation?"
McGonagall's lips were pressed together as firmly as Harry had ever seen them. "How dare you accuse me of-"
Once more, Harry smashed his fist into his desk, causing all present to jump. He grabbed a sheet of parchment from his desk, held it up in front of McGonagall's face and crumpled it violently in one hand. "No, Minerva. How dare you abandon your duty. You knew before they did that they would all have a detention today, and you did nothing to stop it."
"Harry, you know why. You were there when the decision was made."
"As I recall, I didn't agree," Harry retorted, hurling the paper down on his desk. It bounced and rolled off onto the floor near James.
McGonagall looked decidedly uncomfortable. "You know that I felt that though it was a most difficult decision, it was in the best interests of-"
"Everyone for whom there was a posibility of them being inconvienienced, as opposed to twelve students who will definately feel that there is no one in authority they can go to when they need to discuss their problems. Their real problems."
The deputy headmistriss swallowed nervously and sighed. "Very well." She turned to the assembled first years. "Children, you do know that you can always come to me to talk about anything. I shall speak to the professors who gave you detentions for minor infractions."
Harry rolled his eyes. "What good will that do? You know they will just get them again."
McGonagall looked almost desperate. "What would you have me do?"
Harry stared straight at the head of Gryffindor before seeming to come to a decision. "Fine. Since you have just proved that the sorting hat was incorrect to place you in Gryffindor, I guess I'll have to dig you from your own grave." Turning from the spluttering professor, Harry focused his gaze on his eldest son.
"James! How dare you litter my office. Detention. For a week. For all of you," he snapped.
For three seconds there was absolute silence, with the exception of the crackling fire. Then, the room erupted into outraged babble.
"Really Harry," shouted McGonagall. "Was that really necessary?"
Harry turned a furious glare on her. "Only because of your cowardice. Now, the rest of the teachers can relax, your mission has been accomplished."
With that, he turned to the students. "Enough!" he roared, startling everyone to silence. "You will serve these detentions, and these detentions supercede any others you have received. James, you will be assisting Professor McGonagall, sorting and tidying her office. Sirius, likewise with Professor Sprout. Remus, Professor Flitwick."
Ignoring the startled looks he received, Harry counted off his fingers. "Arthur, you will assist Professor Snape in tidying his dungeon. Alex, you get Professor Vector and her office. Christopher, you will help tidy Madam Pince's library and quarters. Zachary, you get to help Professors Hagrid. Charles, you will clean Professor Trelawney's tower. Isabella, you get to help Madam Hooch.
"Heidi, you will be assisting Madam Pomfrey. Brianna, you will help tidy the Headmaster's office. God help you. William, you get Professor Sinistra and the Astronomy Tower."
Harry looked around his quiet office at the thirteen startled faces. "Minerva, please leave me with these students. They will serve their detentions for the entire week." Harry watched her nod cautiously and leave, closing the heavy oak door behind her.
Brianna looked close to tears. "But, Unc-, Professor Potter! Why?"
Harry's expression softened. "I'm sorry. But I cannot tell you anything." He started pacing behind his desk. "But you have enough to figure it out for yourselves," he said finally.
Brianna blinked, her threatened tears disappearing as her brilliant mind worked over what she knew.
"Just a minute!" he yelled as a forlorn dozen were filing out of his office. "Pick up your rubbish, that's what you got the detention for in the first place!"
A hurt and confused James picked up the crumpled ball then, with one final look of betrayal at his father, he turned and followed his cousins out of the room.
"Why did he do that?" demanded Alex, his face nearly as red as his hair. "I really thought he was listening to us, but if you ask me he's just as much of a bastard-"
"Then it's a good thing for us that you're not the brains of the outfit," snapped Chris.
"What do you mean?"
Chris sighed, and looked over at Remus. "Do you want to do the honours?"
Remus nodded, and turned to Alex. "What did my dad do?"
"He gave us detention for a week!"
"No Alex," replied Brianna. "He did in one go what all the professors were going to do to us over the course of a week." She looked into Alex's confused face. "Remember? After McGonagall said that she'd speak to the professors who gave us the detentions. He said that it wouldn't matter. I got the impression that we'd just get more detentions. That's why he gave us a full week in one go."
"Yeah, so we'd know what the teachers were trying to do," finished Remus, after giving Brianna a mock dark look. She poked her tongue out at him in return.
"Anyway," started James, "he told us that all the teachers but him agreed to it. Why?"
Brianna and Remus exchanged laughs. "What date is it a week from now?" she asked.
James frowned, counted silently for a few seconds and replied, "The first of April."
Zach, Charlie and Isabella all gave an, "Ohhhh!" of understanding.
Alex's eyes widened. "They wanted to keep us busy until after April Fools Day," he said in a hushed whisper.
Remus nodded. "Exactly."
Isabella and Heidi put on identical expressions of determination. "So, what do we do to get them back?"
James gave a tiny gasp of surprise as he uncrumpled the sheet of parchment he recovered from his father's office's floor. "I think my father had another reason for assigning us those detentions."
"What's that?" asked several of his cousins.
"I think dad wanted us to know the location of all the professor's offices," he ventured. "And the passwords that opened their rooms."
"Why?" asked Arthur, annoyed that he had 'scored' Snape.
"Because there is a list of charms on this sheet of parchment he made me pick up," James said with a grin. "A most interesting list indeed."
~~~
(1st April, 2012)
The headmaster of Hogwarts snorted and coughed as his bed rocked gently back and forth, the bobble of his nightcap waving around in the wind, tickling his nose.
Wind?
Dumbledore's eyes flittered open, and he bleerily took in his surroundings. The expected surrounds of his familiar quarters were not what he laid his eyes on. The reason his bed was rocking became dreadfully apparant.
His four-poster was gently floating; floating in the middle of a lake. After an instant of serious worry, Dumbledore realised that it was in fact the Hogwart's lake. Looking around him, he noticed several things that set him on the road to full blown panic.
In the east, the overcast sky slowly lit up; gently bathing the lake with a redish light. Lighting up eleven floating beds.
A feminine shriek coming from the bed containing Madam Pince instantly caused the occupants of the other beds to suddenly awake with oaths and curses.
A splash announced the usual result of awakening Severus Snape suddenly; the potion master would leap out of bed in an instant should it be necessary. The hawk-nosed man broke the surface of the lake spluttering and coughing.
"What, in the name of all that is holy, is going on?" he demanded, his legendary temper instantly flaring. Snape's long fingered hands grabbed hold of his bedsheets, and he hauled himself, shivering and dripping, onto his fur-lined bed.
In seconds, all the teachers were babbling amongst themselves. From their frantic conversation and exclaimations, it would appear that none of them had their wands. Or their Order portkeys.
Dumbledore shook his head. Whoever did this had managed to do some quite remarkable magic. Removing his nightcap, the ancient wizard gently leaned over and lowered his face to the lake's surface. Once his bearded features were submerged in the frigid water, he called out to one of his old friends who happened to be one of the lake's occupants.
A few minutes later, the chieftan of the merpeople surfaces a few meters away. With a chuckle, Albus requested assistance in returning to the shore in Merspeak. The assembled teachers sighed with relief when they saw who the headmaster was speaking to.
Each and every one of them were shocked into silence as the chieftan ignored Albus' request for assistance, and dived away into the lake's murky depths.
"Albus? What is going on?" demanded McGonagall.
Dumbledore hid his burgeoning smile. "I am beginning to have some suspicions, Minerva. Tell me, is there one of our number missing?"
It only took an instant for Hogwarts' Potion Master to blurt out something uncomplimentary. "Potter!" he spat.
"Indeed, Severus, indeed," Dumbledore calmly agreed. "Perhaps he can be contacted to assist us."
"We are witches and wizards, Albus," Madam Hooch exclaimed. "Surely we can assist ourselves."
"Do you happen to have your wand, Xiamara?" McGonagall asked waspishly. "Or do you happen to be as adept at swimming as you are at flying?"
"Ladies, please," interupted the tiny Professor Flitwick, his tiny bed the size of a baby's cot. "I believe our first action should be to attempt to contact Harry and get his assistance."
"Surely he will attempt to locate us himself," snapped McGonagall. "Even though today is a Sunday, even Potter would be hard pressed to control the entire student body by himself."
"Oh please!" Snape snapped back. "You don't think that this is his work? Who else could do such a thing?"
Flitwick tilted his head to one side, thinking deeply. "The charms required to do this are not too complex or difficult, Severus, just obscure. I'd say any of our older students with average talent could accomplish this. It is more a matter of access to our sleeping quarters than knowledge."
"Exactly!" Snape retorted, pointing a shaking finger at the little wizard. "Potter knows where our rooms are. And he knows our passwords, which I think is an invasion of our privacy."
Flitwick shook his head. "No, these charms would have to be set over a period of time, a few days at least. Harry hasn't been in my office for over a month. And as the best Defense master in the school's history, are you surprised that he is able to divine our passwords?"
Snape grunted incomprehensively, and wrapped another blanket around himself.
The teachers were startled by the husband and wife pair of Rubeus and Olympe, as they ripped the headboard from their giant bed. Quickly and efficiently, Harry's oldest magical friend bent, twisted and pounded the metal into two servicable oars with his bare fists.
Amongst cheers from the other teachers, the blushing pair started rowing to shore.
Their bed had other ideas.
The four legs of the bed shimmered and came alive, walking over the surface of the lake and taking the pair back to where they started.
Only the diminutive charms professor was delighted. "Oh my, that is good work," he said, clapping his hands in appreciation. "Very good work indeed."
McGonagall gave him a sour look before an expression of dread covered her features. Clutching at the satin nightgown she wore, she asked, "Filius, you said before that the charms required were not difficult, and that an average upperclass student would be able to perform them."
"Yes, that's right," nodded the tiny man.
"Well, what about talented, younger students?"
~~~
For long hours did the crowd at the shore of the lake laugh and cheer at the attempts of the stranded teachers to make it to shore.
Hundreds of students lined the banks of the lake, placing bets, exchanging money and generally having a marvellous time. The objects of their attention were not having such a good day.
Since he was already cold and wet, Snape decided to try swimming for shore. He gave up after his bed immediately started herding him back to the middle of the lake. That spectacle was good for a massive roar of laughter from the crowd.
At the back of the massive gathering of students, leaning against the castle wall, stood the Defense Professor, his emerald green eyes bright with mirth. His presence detered the crowd of vengeful students from performing more pranks on the hapless teachers stuck in the middle of the lake. He scanned the crowd, looking for the tell tale sign of a giant red head surrounded by a group of shorter red heads.
It was easy to pick them out. Harry had been observing them periodically during the morning, noting that they had been getting progressively more nervous as noon approached.
He watched them intently for a while, gauging their mood. Zachary turned to look through the crowd and noticed that they were under scrutiny. Harry quickly waved them over.
It was not without a fairly large amount of apprehension that his sons, nieces and nephews approached him.
"What's the matter?" he asked them.
The Nightmare Dozen exchanged glances. "We weren't sure how you'd react to our prank?" said James.
Harry snorted. "Your prank?"
"Well, yes," James replied, looking around at his brothers and cousins.
"Let me see. I organised for you to spend a certain length of time in certain people's rooms, allowed you to see where they kept their wands and portkeys, showed you some rather specific charms, ensured the new wards don't alarm when people leave the castle after midnight, fed the giant squid a meal so large that it will sleep soundly for the next week, told the merchieftan that today many pranks would be pulled so if anything out of the ordinary happens he should steer clear for his own safety, and after all this you still think that all this was your prank?"
An unwelcome sensation washed over the assembled first years.
"It was all a set up. You set us up," said Remus, in absolute awe.
With a smirk not even a Malfoy could produce, Harry nodded. "I mentioned at the last staff meeting that you lot would probably have a big prank planned. I pushed the conversation to float the idea that you would all be given detentions, then to give you more later as you didn't complete them correctly. It would keep you occupied for a week."
Brianna looked at his Uncle with adoration on his face. "It was all you. You got them to do the very thing that would cause us to pull a prank against them."
Chris and Zack swapped glances. "Man, we thought we had the best idea. But you knew what we would do all along."
"Don't feel too bad," said Harry. "You can take the credit for it if you wish. With the students at least. The staff will know the truth."
"Why?" all twelve asked together.
Harry laughed out loud. "Because I want Snape to know that it was me who manipulated him into doing something that caused him to spend a freezing morning on Hogwarts lake," he said. "Why on earth else?"
"You know, Uncle Harry, we thought that all of us together would be Snape's worst nightmare," started Chris. "But we don't come close to you."
Harry ruffled Chris' hair. "Not yet, but you've got time to get there." He looked up as the Hogwarts' bell rung midday. He turned to look out on the lake to see the dozen beds start making their way back to shore. "Now scoot," he told them. "This is going to be fun."
--