Quizer posted a comment on Tuesday 14th February 2006 2:52pm

I've finished reading the story now. I must say I'm surprised, in a nice way. There are a couple of interesting twists in the story that increase the overall quality enough to make it a worthwhile read, for example the fact that Harry was planning on betraying Voldemort right from the start, the use of Buckingham Palace as his HQ and the use of a mixture of simple magic and muggle tools to deal death to his followers. Harry dying and being reborn due to his phoenix characteristics is also a very original idea. The way it is explained in one of the beginning chapters that only the first transformation is painful indicates that at this point, a permanent change occurs in the user. This is consistent with several related things in the story and an interesting take on the whole animagus thing which sets it apart from several other stories I've read.

The execution of the ideas is heavily flawed however. I have to agree with another reviewer here, Harry's trial is so poorly done that an infant should be able to prove him innocent. I must give you credit however for remembering the loophole that allowed Fudge to imprison Harry and not simply 'forgetting' it in the second trial of this story.

I'm sure I don't have to list all the flaws of this fic to you; having come as far as you have, you should be able to spot them yourself. Parts of this story could probably gone over and reworked to be more convincing, but several of the twists are not feasible enough to do this for the whole story in a straightforward and easy way.

Your spelling is excellent for something which has not been checked over by anyone, but as you said, there are a couple of mistakes in there. Most of them are minor, but the following exact quote really caught my eye: ;)

"The James and Lily were already dead..."

Don't concern yourself overmuch with this story not being perfect; every writer has to start somewhere and I admire your bravery for sharing those first steps with us. I'd be delighted to see updates to "Journeyman Potter" in the near future, which is one of my favorites on this site network and a far cry in comparison to this story. See you there soon!

Quizer

Quizer posted a comment on Tuesday 14th February 2006 1:11pm

I don't like this story so much. Apprentice Potter and its sequel seem of a much higher quality to me. This story is full of plot twists which seem crude, clumsy and overused. Especially the decision to join Voldemort in this chapter.

I'm willing to buy that Harry isn't ready to believe Dumbledore at this point. But the decision to join neither party would have made much more sense. Even if he didn't want to disclose his animagus secret, he could have pretended to join Voldemort, and then escape at first opportunity. You might argue that Harry might not be able to think clearly enough for that, but if everyone is against you and your survival instinct is pressed, your mind can work with amazing clarity.
On another note, I'm not buying the amount of freedom Voldemort seems to allow Harry. He should be much more skeptical of how deep Harry's allegiance towards him really runs. Luxury he would grant him, but he would also have guards in front of his door and people watching him at all times. The last part of this chapter at least indicates the latter, but Harry would still have no trouble to flee.
I'm aware that this has been written before AP and it's sequel, and that your writing ability has probably greatly evolved since then. Tell me what you think of my critique.

Quizer

Draco664 replied:

Thanks for your critique. You've highlighted a couple of the things that make me cringe when I re-read this fic.

It was my first ever fic, and I wrote it a chapter a day, posting each without betaing, and sometimes without spell-checking. I did everything wrong when writing it, and I was amazed at the response I got.

I did learn from it though, and my writing has got better. Thanks to people like yourself, who take the time to intelligently critique a fic, I will get better still.

Thanks again,

Draco

AK posted a comment on Friday 30th December 2005 2:26pm

Too fast too easy.
The beggining was much better than the average Azkaban story (ie imprisoned for reasons a toddler could argue against in court) but then I think he forgives way too soon and too easily. The story is good but in my opinion the last chapters handicap it

Energeezer posted a comment on Saturday 17th December 2005 7:36pm

I freaked out when I discovered it disappeared from ff.net. :(

Mara Flynn posted a comment on Saturday 26th November 2005 3:36am

Powerful. I must confess, I read the short sidetrack with Fawkes first because I was tired. And being intrigued had to come read more of your fic(s). The story was intense and kept my interest from beginning to end! I will be checking out more of your fics in the future!

quizgirl posted a comment on Sunday 20th November 2005 3:05pm

I liked it. I wouldn't mind if he stayed angry at Ron and Hermione forever, but he's not Harry for nothing.
My favourite part was when he jumped off the cliff and the people's reaction to it. If only Hermione hadn't figured it out so quickly!
=) =)
quizgirl

exile posted a comment on Monday 31st October 2005 4:42pm

There's a sequel, right? *goes too look*

Brilliance!

Manatheron posted a comment on Thursday 27th October 2005 5:42pm

excellent story! I Imagion that there will be a continuation at some point if voldemort should manage to re-gain enough followers, but I don't much see that happening..

I am wondering however if you, or any of the authors here would be interesting in a Post HBP Challenge, it's only the beginning of it that would follow any semblence of order, outside of a few minor restrictions (Like only one 'Special' ability) it would pretty much be an open challenge... regardless however, Keep up the excellent work!

Natasja posted a comment on Friday 14th October 2005 6:26am

A student will die at the hands of a former student

A scarily accurate possibility.

Should I be worried?

dogbertcarroll posted a comment on Thursday 22nd September 2005 12:29pm

You pulled off some nice twists. Excellent work.

Adam posted a comment on Wednesday 14th September 2005 2:51am

A great story. I really enjoyed how you put it all together.